Hello all and happy December Monday. Although my posts have been a litte far and…
My Grownup Christmas Wish
I’ve been thinking for more than a year about how to write this post.
Because blogging sometimes can be a really scary thing. Telling people about your life and showing them your secrets. Especially when the secrets are personal and painful.
In October 2012 Dan and I got pregnant.
After a brief moments of initial shock, we soon grew very excited about what was to come for us. After our trip to France and me being in my last year of graduate classes, the timing was perfect. We heard the little one’s heartbeat and saw pictures, and printed them for family out of state as a way to tell them on video chat.
Last year on Christmas Day we announced our pending arrival in a fun and homemade video I made. It was called “Christmas Past, Present and Future” and showed a little stocking on our mantel to indicate our news. Our families were so excited. There hasn’t been a new baby for more than 13 years on either side of the family and it was wonderful to be able to share our secret with those who mean the most to us.
Only one short week after telling everyone we knew about our pending arrival, on January 2nd of this year, we realized God had other plans for our baby. And that he or she wasn’t going to come home with us several months later, as all newly expectant parents think.
One week we were ecstatic and filled with joy and the next, well, there really aren’t any words for what a miscarriage feels like. Emotionally, physically, mentally. No words.
For many months I didn’t really know what to do. Since it was my first pregnancy, I expected things to end differently and the pain I and my husband felt about it was indescribable. I tried to distract myself with school, blogging, anything I could come up with. But healing from this has proved to be the most difficult thing I ever had to do.
Losing a pregnancy changed me. In more ways than I can describe. Things you think will work out fine are suddenly not sure bets. Hope I have for the excitement of being pregnant again are lost inside wondering if things will be different a second time around. Emotions I have when everyone around me is having children of their own are confusing and riddled with guilt.
But I don’t want this story to be too upsetting and even though I haven’t said nearly everything in my head about this experience, I still have hope.
Hope that things will work out. That what we pictured for our lives will come true. Today I hope that we will have happy, healthy babies of our own. That is my grownup Christmas wish….
And I’m not sharing this story so people will feel sorry for me. In many ways having a miscarriage makes you feel very alone. I still feel that way, and I know there are many women out there who feel the same. Losing a baby is something few people talk about, and we can’t blame them. But I reached out to get help and if you or someone you know has unfortunately suffered this kind of loss, please do what you can to support them. They may not want to talk about it, they may cry for months or years, but they still need your love and comfort as a friend or family member. The best thing you can do is just listen.
If you lost a baby, know you are not alone and even though you, nor your best friend, nor your partner, may understand what you are going through, you will feel better one day. It may not be soon, and in may not be how you expect, but when it comes, welcome it. And you will find ways to remember the joy you had, even if it was brief. And you will find ways to move on. And to hope again.
We wish you and your family a blessed and happy holiday. May all your grownup Christmas wishes come true.
Hey Jessica! Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know it can be hard sharing intimate details of your life, but somehow it’s really therapeutic. My husband and I experienced something very similar. After 2 &1/2 years of trying we got pregnant and then had a miscarriage. A few months later we were pregnant again, and the baby is one year old now. I just want to tell you when you get pregnant again, I promise it will be just as exciting. You will be so happy and speaking from experience, when you meet your baby, I promise it will be as joyful as you hope. I will pray for you and your family and that you will have the your Christmas wish soon! God bless you!
Hi Tia,
Thanks so much for the comment and for your kind words. I am sorry for your loss too, and am glad to hear of the blessings you have had. I really appreciate the support and friendship! – Jessica
I am sorry that happened. The only thing you can hold onto is hope. I have had several family members and good friends go through the pain of losing a baby – it isn’t easy. Sending hugs and best wishes for the new year!
Hi Barbara,
Thanks for leaving me a comment, I really appreciate it and am thankful for your hugs. Happy new year to you!
Jessica, I’m so very sorry for your loss. The loss of a child is the loss of a bit of what you envision as your future. I pray for your continued emotional healing and that you will be able to conceive, carry and have a healthy baby. I had a daughter at 34 weeks who was only with us for 4 days & never left the hospital. That was 18 years ago. I can tell you that it is a long road healing and subsequent pregnancies will be tough. The best help for me in healing and moving forward was reaching out to those who knew what I was going through. I hope you have a good support system in real life…I’m sure you’ll have lots of virtual support here.
I went on to have two healthy babies and my daughter’s middle name is Hope.
Blessings to you.
Hi Wendy,
Thank you for taking the time to leave me this message, and for the words of encouragement. I appreciate you sharing your story with me and am sorry for your loss so long ago. It’s wonderful to hear that you have support and that you now have a wonderful family. I am confident that things will work out for us and look forward to many good things in the years to come.
I wish you a very happy new year! Thanks again 🙂
So brave of you to share this journey you’ve been on. I haven’t experienced the loss of a baby, but I have experienced the loss of a dream. My husband and I are entering our third year of infertility, with IVF supposedly being our only hope in having a child that is genetically both ours. I am not sure if you plan on blogging about this a lot more, but do know that there is a community of us that are so supportive to one another, and we welcome you with open arms. Oftentimes we can’t find the support in our day to to day lives, and connecting with these women online is what sustains us. Don’t hesitate to reach out. Hoping your dream of having a family is realized in 2014.
Hi Lauren,
Thanks so much for leaving me this note. Bless your heart for having the strength for all you have been through. Your welcoming words mean more thank I can say. I will think of you and Jesse and also hope for your dreams of a family come true very soon. Many wishes for a very happy new year! – Jessica
My heart aches for you and your husband, Jessica. That’s such a terrible thing to experience, and I only hope and pray that you’ll continue to have hope, and that one day, your Christmas wish will come true. Thank you for sharing what I know had to be an incredibly difficult piece of your personal life with the blogging community, so that we can further connect with you, and understand how special you really are!
Merry Christmas,
Artie
Hi Artie,
Thanks so much for this comment and the sweet words. I enjoyed meeting you this year and look forward to more blogger get togethers soon! Best wishes for a very happy new year for you and your family.
Sending big hugs to you, and I want you to know I’m ALWAYS here as a listening ear when you’re ready or needing to talk. Or cry. Or laugh. Everyone experiences this type of grief differently. For me, the pain we real and deep and difficult to describe but my friends and family– the ones that ‘got it’– truly helped see me through. I hope I can be one of those people for you. XO.
Oh sweet friend…..I came over to see your projects from Beth’s…..and then I read this. My heart is heavy for you and your loss.. Your writing and perspective and insight for others going through a challenging time is such a inspiration to so many.
Thank you for sharing your wonderful, wonderful heart.
karianne
Hi Karianne,
Thanks so much for your kind words. I am looking forward to great things in 2014. I hope you and your family have a wonderful new year!