My Grownup Christmas Wish

I’ve been thinking for more than a year about how to write this post.

Because blogging sometimes can be a really scary thing. Telling people about your life and showing them your secrets. Especially when the secrets are personal and painful.

In October 2012 Dan and I got pregnant.

After a brief moments of initial shock, we soon grew very excited about what was to come for us. After our trip to France and me being in my last year of graduate classes, the timing was perfect. We heard the little one’s heartbeat and saw pictures, and printed them for family out of state as a way to tell them on video chat.

Last year on Christmas Day we announced our pending arrival in a fun and homemade video I made. It was called “Christmas Past, Present and Future” and showed a little stocking on our mantel to indicate our news. Our families were so excited. There hasn’t been a new baby for more than 13 years on either side of the family and it was wonderful to be able to share our secret with those who mean the most to us.

Only one short week after telling everyone we knew about our pending arrival, on January 2nd of this year, we realized God had other plans for our baby. And that he or she wasn’t going to come home with us several months later, as all newly expectant parents think.

One week we were ecstatic and filled with joy and the next, well, there really aren’t any words for what a miscarriage feels like. Emotionally, physically, mentally. No words.

For many months I didn’t really know what to do. Since it was my first pregnancy, I expected things to end differently and the pain I and my husband felt about it was indescribable. I tried to distract myself with school, blogging, anything I could come up with. But healing from this has proved to be the most difficult thing I ever had to do.

Losing a pregnancy changed me. In more ways than I can describe. Things you think will work out fine are suddenly not sure bets.  Hope I have for the excitement of being pregnant again are lost inside wondering if things will be different a second time around. Emotions I have when everyone around me is having children of their own are confusing and riddled with guilt.

But I don’t want this story to be too upsetting and even though I haven’t said nearly everything in my head about this experience, I still have hope.

Hope that things will work out. That what we pictured for our lives will come true. Today I hope that we will have happy, healthy babies of our own. That is my grownup Christmas wish….

And I’m not sharing this story so people will feel sorry for me. In many ways having a miscarriage makes you feel very alone. I still feel that way, and I know there are many women out there who feel the same. Losing a baby is something few people talk about, and we can’t blame them. But I reached out to get help and if you or someone you know has unfortunately suffered this kind of loss, please do what you can to support them. They may not want to talk about it, they may cry for months or years, but they still need your love and comfort as a friend or family member. The best thing you can do is just listen.

If you lost a baby, know you are not alone and even though you, nor your best friend, nor your partner, may understand what you are going through, you will feel better one day. It may not be soon, and in may not be how you expect, but when it comes, welcome it. And you will find ways to remember the joy you had, even if it was brief. And you will find ways to move on. And to hope again.

We wish you and your family a blessed and happy holiday. May all your grownup Christmas wishes come true.